Hogwarts? That Sounds like a disease!
by HilariouslyInsane
Summary: Dizzy Black is a fifteen-year old girl,who gets tossed into the Wizarding world at short notice. Her mother,father and grandparent's have died,also what's with the funny look she get's from Harry Potter? JamesS.PotterxOCxAlbusPotter. RAWR! Mostly Dialouge
1. Right,Can I collect my faerie friend to?

**Disclaimer; AGAIN? EVERY STORY? Bloody Hell. I own everyone but Dizzy Black! :D And even then, My imagination owns her, and then my Harry Potter part of my brain- OH STUFF IT!**

_**Hogwarts? That sounds like a disease!**_

**Right, shall I collect my faerie friend too?**

Dizzy Black was pissed 15-year-old.

Make that VERY pissed.

Pissed after pissdom.

And I'm Dizzy Black. Unfortunately. Do you think I asked for this? DO YOU?

Shit. Sorry for the freak out. I'm just pacing outside a bloody Headmistress' office. AGAIN!

It's not like I ment to set fire to the Biology lab, or let the locusts' out, or- Well, you get the picture.

The door just opened. Great. My current Headmistress, well if you could call her a _Woman_. Is Monica DiAngelo. She's like the reincarnation of a gargoyle in moving form. Boring and FAT! Here's a summary of what she's saying. "Blah Blah Blah, Expulsion, blah blah blah, making a fool of myself, blah blah blah. Something like that. I tune out and draw on my hand. "Blah Blah Blah, I'm fat. Blah-" WHAT? SHE JUST CALLED ME FAT!

"Excuse me Miss (*Cough*Lesbian*Cough*) DiAngelo, BUT DID YOU JUST CALL ME FAT?" I asked, erm, politely?

"Miss Black, It was a anagram" Fatso said.

"I am NOT FAT"

"Still" Everything was very easy from there.

I just destroyed her office.

A billion hours later, waiting in my 'new room'. You see, I'm an orphan. I'm Australian. And I'm Pissed. Again. Funny how I get pissed easily isn't it?

Well, my 'parents' are strict. They're not the right parent's for a rebel. This is the 6th school this year, and it's mid September. Wait, I hear hushed voices.

"…We can't punish her too severally, social services will come again! Remember Jasmine? Silly girl. Thank goodness we got a muggle this time. A muggle? Erm. What The Fuck?

Like, three seconds later, Mr Newton (Gay name huh?) came in, twitching his moustache.

"Get out" he said hoarsely

"'Scuse me?"

"GET OUT!" he roared.

"Fine. I will." I snapped, packing the only stuff I own. Which is a few clothes, IPod, Computer, Blackberry Phone and a bloody letter my mum had left me when she died. I scrambled out the door, and nearly laughed in his face. Bloody idiot.

Over the distance I spotted a bridge, and sat under it, opening the letter.

_Dear Dizzy Cookie Black,_

_I know if your reading this I'm dead. I knew I shouldn't of died, blah blah blah. I suck at summarising stuff, sorry. Don't expect sympathy from those bloody social services people. Rotten bloody motherfuckers the lot of them. Anyway, when your 11 or over, or an arsehole kicks you out, get a piece of chalk and draw a circle around you, then stand in the middle and shout, 'HOGWARTS!'. It may sound gay, but it works. I hope. Anyway, mention to the Headmistress that your Destiny Black's daughter, and that might work, or not…_

_Love you lots,_

_Destiny xx_

I grabbed *Cough* Stole *Cough* a piece of chalk and shouted "HOGWARTS!", in a blur of motion, I arrived on a stone floor, with someone staring a hole in my back.

"Who are you?" a cold voice interrupted my groaning

"Your aunts bum, _Who do you think?" _I groaned and sat up. I was in an office, with a stern looking teacher staring at me

"Listen here-"

"I am Dizzy Cookie Black. My mum was Destiny Black, and I'm an orphan. Gottit? Fanks" I snapped, rubbing my head

"Miss Black" she said in a soft tone. "What brings you here?"

"Well," I started, telling her the whole story, leaving out the stolen chalk part.

"Well Miss Black, welcome to Hogwarts" She announced

I snorted "HOGWARTS? Sounds like a cure for a bad disease"

"It's not. We teach magic here" She snapped

"Sure, I'll just go off and collect my magical faerie friend too!"

"Miss Black, this is a serious matter"

"Um, before we go any further, what's your name?"

"Professor McGonagall" she announced, proud

"Alrightio, McG, Can I join your magically magic school?"

"Yes. Have you got your things?"

"Does it _look _like I've got my things?"

"No"

"Exactly"

"Come then, let's go to Diagon Alley"

"What a crap name. What's with you Human people and you're crazy names?"

"Miss Black" her tone was rude.

"Yes?" I opened my silver eyes wide and batted them

"Grab my arm" she offered the crook of her elbow

"Nah Fanks, you aint my type" my tone was light and teasing

"Miss Black" she said sternly

"Oh whatever" I grumbled and grabbed on, she turned on the spot, and we disappeared. The sensation felt like you were being grabbed from your navel and being turned inside out.

When the spinning stopped, We were in an alleyway, and around us was magically magic people.

"Welcome, to Diagon Alley" Except, she pronounced it, Di-a-gon Alllllllllley, and it made me laugh. Another serious look and we walked off.

"First," she said "We shall buy you a wand"

**A/N; How was that? A bit Serious at the start, but she shall get funnier, when she meets random deranged characters yeah? **

**HilariouslyInsane.**

**Press. The. Bloody. Button. **_**Please?**_

**V**


	2. Sorry! Dropped my Pie!

**DISCLAIMER; Nothin apart from my crazy mofo twin; Dizzy Black **

_**Hogwarts? That sounds like a disease!**_

**SORRY! I DROPPED MY PIE!**

As soon as she said that, I cracked up. "I'm sorry" I said between laughter "It sounded so dramatic!"

She turned her disapproving look on me again and I grinned. "If you'll follow me" she said in a curt tone and she walked stiffly off.

I followed at a nice distance, so it didn't look like I was a puppy or a bloody stalker. She opened a door that said 'OLLIVANDERS' Ohmigod. A gay name again. Bloody hell.

"Miss Black and Professor McGonagall" greeted a short woman with silvery white hair. "I am Cassandra Noble, descendent of Mr. Ollivander. How may I of be of service?"

"I need a wand" I piped up before McG could speak.

"Dizzy Black" she breathed as she looked at me

"That's my name" I agreed, nodding mock-wisely, and Cassandra laughed.

"I like her Minerva. Just like her Mum. She's a keeper" she smiled and went to the back of the shop, whistling a tune.

"9 ½ inches, Rockwood and Rockwood" she said

"Rockwood and Rockwood? A tree and a animal? What's the chances?" I asked, picking up the wand, and flicking it. Suddenly Cassandra got boils. "Shit! I'm so sorry!" I apologized while she merely laughed.

"No problem, all in the business" she smiled and went to look for another wand.

24 wands later, I've nearly burnt the place down.

"9 inches, Blackberry and Phoenix, the same as Destiny's'" she muttered desperately. I flicked it, and a dramatic light flooded down on me

"Fantastic! A wand! How muchos?" I asked, pulling out a sack of gold coins that I have carried around for a million years

"For you? Nothing. It has been a privilege Miss Black" she curtsied and we left.

"Well. I like that shop, because we got something for free, and she curtsied! WHOOO!" I sang as we headed down to the other end of the shopping place.

**~~**

After what felt like a million and a half years, We finally 'apparated' back to her office. It was only midday

"Amazing" I muttered

"Yes Miss Black?"

"THAT I FINALLY BET MY SHOPPING RECORD!" I hollered "USUALLY IT TAKES MY 5 AND A HALF HOURS!"

"Miss Black, control yourself!" she snapped. I sat down in the awfully uncomfortable chairs and put on my interested face

"Yes?"

"I will be teaching you how to catch up" she announced.

"Gimme the spells, and I will be able to memorise them" I said

"What?"

"The spells McG" I said patiently

"Okay-" she said the spells and I practised them once over and I got them right.

"Let me get the sorting hat" she said, and pulled a bloody old brown hat down and motioned me to put it on.

'_Hmmm. Smart mind, but not geeky'_ said a voice 'Thank god' I thought. _'Sneeky and witty, but not completely evil. An individual, but not crazy. Bold but not stupid. Has a reasonable ego, but not self-conscious. So it should be….'_

"GRYFFINDOR!" The hat roared

"Yay!" I tried to sound happy, but I really didn't care or knew what it ment.

"Ok. There are 4 houses at Hogwarts Gryffindor, Slytherin, Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw. They are names after people who founded the school, and your house will be your family, and your friends. You will do well to achieve at Hogwarts Miss Black" she said, and a second later, a knock was at the door.

"You called?" asked a White-blonde female as she walked through the door.

"Ahh, Miss Longbottom. This here is a new student, Miss Dizzy Black. She is in Gryffindor, and I would like you to help her be settled in. Goodbye" she said, and ushered us out of the office.

"BYE!" I shouted cheerily and walked after the girl.

"I'm Alice Longbottom" she introduced herself and smiled. "My dad's a Herbology teacher here."

"Herbology…?" I asked

"Oh. Herbology is plants, Defence against the dark arts is taught by Professor Sharples, Potions is taught by Professor Slughorn, Charms is taught by Professor Chang, Transfiguration is taught by Professor McGonagall, and History of Magic is taught by Professor Binns who is a ghost" she said, all in one sentence.

"Rightio" I said, trying to memorise all those things

"It's Lunch, so everyone will be in the Great Hall. Let's go there" she chattered and I said suddenly

"I GOTTA FEELING! THAT TONIGHTS GONNA BE A GOOD NIGHT, THAT TONIGHT GONNA BE A GOOD GOOD NIGHT!" Alice stared and burst out laughing

"I think we'll be friends Dizzy" She said, wiping her tears away. We arrived at the Great Hall, and I stared. I was in heaven! Food, Food, Food! I nearly drooled, but then I realised, everyone was staring and Alice was blushing.

"Hey" I said waving, and simultaneously everyone said "Hey" back. Alice and I cracked up laughing.

Alice lead me over to her friends, who chattered on about people who were 'Hot' and 'Happening'

"What about James Potter and his friends?" whispered Jane? June? Looking over to the boy with jet-black hair.

"Ew" I said, after a mouthful of food.

"Excuse me?" she asked

"Oh Please. The homeless people looked better than that" I snorted

"You would know. You would be one" she said and the girls grinned smugly, while Alice bit her lip. I picked up my pie, and threw it at her head. Everyone stopped in wonder. That new girl has a temper they muttered

June picked up her pie and threw it at me. I ducked and she got irritated, and I laughed.

"C'mon Janey Baby. Gimme your best shot" I teased. She lunged across and I slammed her down into the table, getting splattered in food. Her mindless clones joined in. We were fighting until McG walked in.

"MISS BLACK! MISS JONES! MISS UREKA! MISS OBERRONNAGOU!" she shouted

"Professor" they said

"MCG!" I cried and some boys stifled their laughs at the Gryffindor table.

"What is going on?" she demanded

"Nothing Professor" they muttered

"Oh, Sorry! My Pie Slipped" I grinned and now the school laughed, witnessing what had happened

"Miss Black, since you are new, you can get off a detention, but the rest of you, detention" she stormed out, not before I cried out

"Be seeing you!"

Potter and co, stood up, and he muttered "Come with me" and dragged me out of the hall.

There was three of them. Potter, his jet black hair and sexy green eyes were sexy, but the other two were just as cute.

"James Potter" he said, as they made a circle around me

"Samuel Jacobs" said a Tall dark haired dude

"Rhys Bekinsdale" Ahh, blondie with luminous eyes.

"Dizzy Black" I introduced myself, trying not to look like an idiot caked in food

"Looking for something?" asked James, looking at my neck-craning

"Yeah. The loo"

"Loo?" Samuel spoke

"Toilet. Lavatory. Pee department" I said "To clean up. Cause As much as I like pie, I don't like having it on my sexy T-shirt" I looked down and saw my 'The Ready Sets' band tee. Ahh, my favourite.

"Come" he said, dragging me off.

"Not much of a talker" I mentioned, and he smiled grimly.

"You'll see why" he said

**A/N; ?**


	3. Crapdeathstaregirl

**Disclaimer; A week and a bit later, I'VE UPDATED! :D**

_**Hogwarts? Sounds like a disease!**_

"Right, so your telling me that I JUST THREW PIE AT THE MOST POPULAR FEMALE GRYFFINDOR?" I asked with wide-eyes

James nodded grimly.

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSS! DID YOU SEE HER FACE? OHMYGOD! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA HAHAHHA AHAHAHHAA!" I burst into laughter, tears rolling down my face

"I thought you'd…" said Sam, watching my fits of spastic laughter

"Freak?"

"Yeah"

"Meh. I don't freak. I gotta keep my poker-face"

"_can't read my, can't read my, no-one can read my Poker face, he has got one like nobody, cant' read my, can't read my, poker face!" _Rhys spontaneously burst out into a Lady GaGa song

"OHMYGOD! I _FUCKING HATE THAT SONG!_" I groaned, James nodding along with me

"WHAT?" cried out Sam in disbelief

"I suppose you like her, because you can look up her skirt?" asked James  
"If she was wearing one" I muttered, pushing the vile images of Lady GaGa out my head

"Right, back to business. Moony, explain" instructed Rhys

"Alrighty-mighty, take a cheerio bro. God Man. Anyway, We're the Marauder's. I'm Moony, because I, er, like Astronomy-" Sam begain

"Liar, Liar Panties on fire!" I chanted, looking pointedly at the sky

"What?"

"Aroooooooo!" I howled "Any suggestions?"

"You know?" asked James, deathly pale

"Yeaparoo"

"Crikey, how did you figure it out?" asked Rhys

"I'm an illegal animagus genius. I also have a sixth sense for other animals, like…" I sniffed James "Stag" he nodded. I sniffed Rhys "Fox" he nodded "And Sammie, we know as Fluffy"

"Fluffy?" asked Sam

"Well, yeah. Code name?" I asked as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, which, frankly it was

"Oh, I thought you'd…hate me"

"Hate you? Jesus Sam. Your still the same as us, you just have…a furry problem. So, hence the name Fluffy"

"Right"

"Well, know that we got that settled up, let's go to class shall we?"

"Class?"

"Yes Jamie, class. We _are _in a school you know"

"Right"

"Good"

"Great"

"Awesome"

"Super"

"Spiffing"

"Cracking"

"Corking"

"Damn"

"HA! I WIN! I WIN! MWAHAHA!" I Shouted

"What?" asked Sammie, looking between James and I

"It's Say-as-many-adjectives-as-you-can-until-someone-says-damn Game" I said

"Right"

"Spiffing"

"Cork-"

"WE ARE NOT DOING THAT AGAIN!" shouted James

"Mr Potter! Lower your voice! And nice to know you had met Miss Black" scolded McG

"Certainly Minnie. I shalleth goeth forwardth toeth myeth classeth" grinned James

"Then I suggest you go Mr Potter, Miss Black, Mr Bekinsdale and Mr Jacobs, off to your Potion's class"

We trooped off.

"I swear, there was an evil laugh hidden in her voice" I said, as we went down to the dungeon

"There was" agreed Sam. We entered the class, only a few minutes late.

"Misters Potter, Bekinsdale and Jacobs, and _who is this?" _A tall, burlish man exclaimed as soon as he saw us

"This is Dizzy Black. Dizzy, this is Professor Slughorn" introduced James, covering a smirk

"A Black did you say? I had all the Blacks in Slytherin house, all but Sirius. Did you know that he was innocent? Saved the life of a close friend of mine, Harry Potter" rambled Slughorn. James coughed loudly, trying to interrupt the large man

"Right. As I was saying, I shall be picking the partners.

Miss Beacumb with Miss Karkaroff;

Mr Jacobs and Mr Snape;

Mr Bekinsdale and Miss Keys;

Mr Nash and Mr Ross;

Miss Pederson and Miss Dohle;

Mr Potter and Miss Black;

Miss Harrison and Miss Clayton;"

YAYAYAYAAYAY! I was with Jamie. Hopefully he isn't as bad as mixing stuff as I am

"Right man. How do we do this?" I asked, after we gathered the ingredients

"Um, I was hoping you could cook"

"Hahaha. Oh, your serious"

"That is my middle name"

"Right, well. The only thing I can't burn is stuff already cooked"

"We're screwed"

"Totally"

After we mixed stuff around, our caldron went out

"Miss Black and Mr Potter! What is wrong with your caldron?" asked Slughorn as he pushed his enormously fat body around

"It's fucked" I said

"What?" he asked

"It's the official term for, 'It's broken'" inserted James

"Exactly"

"Miss Black, here _we do not swear_"

"I'm Sorry?"

"Apology accepted"

"Right. Well. Our bowl is terminally damaged"

"It's a caldron" James corrected

"It's round, smells funny and you can wash it, It's a bowl" I argued

"Caldron"

"Bowl"

"Caldron"

"Bowl"

"Caldron"

"Bowl"

"Caldron"

"Bowl. You know what? Forget it. UGH!"

"I win"

"I hate you"

"You love me"

"Do not"

"Do too"

"You know what? Let's go to the next class"

"We have to wait for this one to finish"

"Watch and learn" I smirked, then put on my pained voice "Fat- Slughorn?" I asked, putting on a pained voice

"Yes Miss Black?"

"I don't feel very good" I grabbed my stomach

"Right. Mr Potter, take Miss Black to the Hospital wing" he winked at me, and I was nearly sick.

"PERVERT!" I mouthed and turned away, stalking out the dungeon

"DID YOU SEE HIS FACE?" James roared with laughter "After you mouthed Pervert, his face went red and white, and GREEN!" his voice shrieked at the end

"Did you hear yourself? It went high, then low!" I snigged and collapsed on the floor laughing

"I-haven't-laughed-so-much-in-such-a-long-time!" James aid between fits of laughter

"Hey James?" I asked

"Yeah?"

"Do you have a girlfriend?"

"Yeah…"

"Does she have brown hair and brown eyes?"

"Yeah…"

"Does she have a crap death stare?"

"Well…"

"Cause she's crap-glaring at me, and I think I will wait over there because she has long nails, and I don't want a handprint on my face. Cheerio" I gasped and stood up, and slinked to the corner. "Oh by the way Jamie?"

"Yeah?"

"I WIN!"

"…Damn"

**A/N; How awesome am I?**


	4. AUTHORS NOTE!

**Author's note;**

_Hogwarts? Sounds like a Disease_**; Hello Everyone! :D I am having SOME SERIOUS PROBLEMS! Like, do you lot like it, or should I scrap it. I shan't write more if nobody likes it. I could be working on my new fic, 'No Turning Back'. And on my old one too's.** **If you rekon I should scrap it, Comment. If not, comment. This is your choice.**

_I'm Sorry did you saw Wasabi?; _**WRITERS BLOCK! Argh! Don't you all get it? It's so ANNOYING! There's this little James Potter in my head saying, 'THAT'S WUBBISH!' Now you know why Lily Evans took so long to go out with him… Ahh… James Potter… Anyway, Please be patient. It's coming.**

_The Afints; _**Another Unknown one. 3 comments make me wonder. It takes, like, 3 Bloody seconds to comment! It's also common courtesy! Read and Review Please.**

**Anyway, I have a new story, and it's another SBxOC one. Please don't kill me. :)**

**Cheerio,**

**HilariouslyInsane. **


	5. The Official Chapter 4

**Disclaimer; Same as always**

_**Hogwarts? Sounds like a disease!**_

God that women has got a set of lungs.

Shall I break it down for you?

She said that he is horrible, toe-rag and a git.

What the hell is a git?

Oh, and he's dumped.

Hahaha, SUCKER!

James came walking up cheery "Thanks Diz. I owe you one"

"Three"

"What?"

"You owe me three"

"Do not"

"Do too"

"NOT!"

"TOO!"

"NOT!"

"TOO!"

"NOT!"

"TOO! I'm right! And so I can- WHAT THE FUCK YOU LOOKIN' AT? Never seen a married couple before? Jesus.."

"Married?"

"Spur of the moment. Did I leave the stove on?"

"Nope"

"Phew. For one minute I thought I did. Oh _joy!_"

"Joy?"

"Sarcasm Potter"

"Right"

"Potter, say hello to Sarcasm. Sarcasm, this is Potter"

"Hello Sarcasm"

"Sarcasm says Hello"

"OH! It's not being sarcastic?"

"No. It's being Sirius"

"What? Why?"

"James. S-I-R-I-U-S"

"ohhh!"

"Not the brightest Crayon in the box are we?"

"What's a crayon?"

"Oh dear god"

"What?"

"You don't know what a crayon is?"

"No"

"Well, I'd show you some, but I ate them"

"You _what_?"

"I'm joking Potter"

"Right"

"Have you lost your sense of Humor?"

"Yeah. Have you seen it?"

"No. But once my sarcasm skills have detected it, I shall get it"

"Please do hurry"

"Drama Queen"

"Am not!"

"Am too!"

"Am not!"

"Am too!"

"NOT!"

"TOO!"

"NOT!"

"TOO!"

"NOT!"

"TOO!"

"NOT!"

"TOO!"

"NOT!"

"TOO! HAHAHAHHAHAHA!"

"…Your insane you know that?"

"Yep"

"Thank Merlin for that"

"For what?"

"The invention of insaneness"

"Why?"

"Because who would be the funny person?"

"Sarcasm"

"True"

"Yeah"

"…Hungry?"

"Frightfuly"

"To the Kitchens!"

"Oh, joy"

"What?"

"Here we go again"

"Where? Have you been down here before?"

"Yes James. I have stalked you around the castle"

"How? I haven't seen you… Oh, sarcasm"

"Now that we have a firm grasp of the obvious, let's move on"

"I am walking"

"Oh dear lord"

**A/N; Sorry it's so short**


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